A Long Time Gone, A Lot of Wisdom Gained

So I know that I have been gone a while, but that is because I was trying to find my muse. I had nothing to say, but lately I’ve been inspired.

With Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’s demise, the topic of self-hating gays has been on my mind. You know, the type that are gay, but don’t feel like they have a right to flaunt who they are however they want to be. These are the ones that caused so many gay youths in the recent past to seek to end their lives. They make it okay to be ashamed of who you are.

I thought I wouldn’t post this update on my facebook. However I don’t give a damn. You might be okay with it, and you might not. DEAL WITH IT.

They say it’s okay to hide yourself, even from those you are most intimate with. Your family. Your friends. Your community. But I will hear no more of this. How are you supposed to concecrate your bonds with these people, if they think you are something you aren’t?

Therefore, damaging you more than them. This is something you have to deal with. The real question here is, how far are you willing to lie to yourself? If you’re queer, whatever, YOU’RE still here! Kick them out of your life! Kick them to the curb! But ultimately youre helping them be a stronger person for themselves! Someone really important to me lost their entire family, and had to forge a new one out of the ashes of his heart. This shouldn’t have to happen.

I want nothing more than to bring home the other half of my heart to my family. And sometimes, “it’s just a bad time,” really translates to, “I’m just too afraid.” Whoever starts a relationship with, “I only want to lie to you,” is not in a relationship at all. Honesty is an essential part of daily human interraction. How else will you truly forge a utopian, diverse society?

Well my normal thought turned into words and a soap box, but this is something dear to my heart. It is something I have struggled with, and it is something I have over come. Be proud of who you are, gay, straight, mortally disfigured. You are how god/bacteria formed you to be. We arent here from nothing, but who says it has to be a hateful and mighty invisible guy, in the sky?

Been Quiet For a While

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything, and for that I do apologize to my 0 readers. However I promise I will post something of substance very soon, I promise! I have had quite the journey over these past few months traveling and looking for love. If anything for once I can say that I am happy with my life overall. From time to time I have moments of weakness where I want nothing but to cry and let loose my pain, but I don't have much to complain about as my life is pretty good at the moment. I am getting better at telling myself that it gets better. I just have to persevere and find my niche in life, doing something that makes me truly happy. It seems I am taking a giant leap of faith by discarding my hold ups. It's time for me to take my life into my own hands and head straight into the future following my morals and convictions, and to those of you that are along for the ride, get ready for something great. I work in a coffee shop making very little money, but I am not suffocating behind a desk. I am in a good place to finally move forward. All Aboard!

Reaching For Something, An Original By Sam LeFleur

They think I'm crazy
For reaching for the stars.
My arms aren't long,
And I'm not very tall,
But still I reach
For the secrets they hold
And questions they answer.
They still think I've lost it
They just don't realize,
They are the stars
For which I reach.

Easy Come, Easy Go

So I was sleeping, enjoying a dream in which my mind was active, when I came across a concept that would be a good topic to blog about. Sometimes, believe it or not, I have nothing to say, so when I come across an interesting thought, I write it down so that I can blog about it. Well being in the middle of a dream, I was hardly able to write it down, and it has not escaped my thoughts.

Instead I think I'm going to give my two cents on dreams. This dream in particular last night was, from what I can remember, pretty typical. I can often be in a dream and realize that it is actually a dream. There are multiple camps of thought that sees this as a psychic ability, but I believe there is nothing psychic about it. So often I sit back and enjoy it, sometimes I take control and bend my dreamland universe at my command.

What makes me curious, is what is so different about dreams that make me able to bend my reality there, that I can't do in my own life. Its the fact that in my dreams, I can discard all of my social inhibitions. Often, the things I do in my dreams are wild and sometimes innappropriate, that when compared to my already wild an innappropriate life, make me look like a saint. However the concept is still there. It all runs back to confidence. To live my dreams, so to speak, the first step I must take is to have more confidence in myself as a person. Its all about taking control of my life, and not just sitting back, watching it run by me.

New Mornings and New Beginnings

Okay, so I am a huge fan of procrastination. This impedes on the fact that I have wanted to set my life in a new direction. Every night, after work, before I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be a different day. Tomorrow I will have the big day, NO SMOKING. Or, tomorrow I will do this or do that. Well the sad fact is that there isn't always a tomorrow for everyone.

Sometimes we just have to "grab the bull by the horns" and take on life. For some of us it means stepping out of our shells and going forth with confidence. Instead of saying we will do something tomorrow, maybe we should say, "today is the day I will..." What will you do today?

Remember The Lotus, An Original by Sam LeFleur

The world is fragile
and things fall apart

Good things come and and they go
breaking apart our heart

The hardest part is
holding your head above water

Lest we get sucked under
and become devil fodder

Just remember the Lotus
tall and proud

Sprung from its murky depths
and deep muddy shroud

You can give birth to the good
embrace and work through the bad

Don't get lost in this
cycle of life and go mad

Hold onto your beautiful soul
and cherish what is you

Just remember the Lotus as the golden rule
grow, swim, and break the surface of something new


**I used to write poetry quite often, but have gotten away from it. I wrote this just this morning in an attempt to rekindle the words I used to cherish so much. I can't decide if it is good, or utter shite, but it comes from my heart. It's about the story of the Lotus flower, from hindu tradition. A lotus grows from a seed deep under the mud and murky waters. It grows up out of the water and reaches above the surface and blooms during the day. It is said that the hindu gods and goddesses were born from a blooming lotus as well as the holy sound, "ohm". To me, this story means that even though the lotus seed is deep under the water, buried in mud, it still manages to rise up and bloom above the surface for everything to admire its beauty. Sometimes when we feel pain and suffering all around us, and feel as though we are drowning, we just need to remember the lotus. We can work through the pain, which is our mud and murky water, to rise above it all and show everyone our true colors. I wrote this in honor of earth week. I have always appreciated the lotus, and I think that out of all the plants on this Earth, we can learn to live and thrive, just as they do.

Stress Relief and Idle Thoughts

So today, I woke up and went about my day. Beautiful right? I find it extremely awesome that with all the pain and suffering in the world today that I can wake up and try to find one instance of happiness within myself and feed on that. During my half hour to twenty minute drive to work, I encounter everything on the spectrum of moods. I see nervous people, mean people, distracted people and on a very rare instance happy people.

So why am I so happy today? No, I didn't find a job with a living wage, and I don't have the day off from work. I am happy because of the weather, and I don't mean the buckets of sunshine that Pittsburgh almost never gets. I got to enjoy, a short lived but very emotional thunderstorm. Yes, you read right, I love thunderstorms, and this one in particular was extremely satisfying.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling this buildup of tension within myself, and the past couple days I have felt myself get closer and closer to my snapping point. Today however, I was rescued from a few days of laying in my room and watching sad movies just to cry. just around 3pm I heard the wind start to build and become more and more aggressive. Soon followed the rain and a few claps of thunder. Then from my window, I watched as a single bolt of lightning flies up into the sky, right across my vantage point. Through the winds and the rain I felt the tension drain from my body and just as that single bolt of lighting reached across the sky I felt the last of my troubles shatter.

I know for a fact I am not the only person drawn to violent thunderstorms or extreme weather. I by no means am a storm chaser, but there are plenty that are. I, like a lot of my friends are simply drawn to the release of a good storm. I believe this is because we, just like all other living creatures, are hard wired with instincts that tie directly into the earth. We can feel the storm on a subconscious level and find solace in the extreme nature of the entire act.

So you may ask, why do we destroy the earth if we are so wired into its patterns? Well I believe that we put so much time and energy into the seperation of ourselves from the rest of the creatures roaming this earth that we have fallen away from out instinctual desire to experience what is known as "the wild," and we keep working to dominate our environment. Everything from deforestation to weeding our gardens gives us the pleasure to say that we have dominated nature, but as I opened the door to let in my cat just before the storm, she brought with her a dead vole. It was a present to us. She, being a part of nature, wanted to give us the best present she could find, and that showed me that no matter how much we control nature and our environment, the circle of life is still shown to us in everyday life. Just as a spider finds a perfect corner to weave his web in our very own homes, we should realize that these creatures have adapted their ways to fit our actions, being that we are the focus of this circle of life for the time being. Cats bring presents to please their masters, spiders weave webs to feed themselves, and voles die to a predator on the hunt for the perfect morsel and somehow, it all ties back into us.

Sorry if you don't follow this post very easily, these are just the idle thoughts of mine as I prepare to leave once again for work.