A Boy, A Prisoner, An Original by Sam LeFleur

A boy once saw his flaws

A boy felt all this shame

A boy felt damaged

A boy felt a glimmer of happiness

A boy lost it again

A boy thought about the end

A boy felt there was nothing he could gain

A boy was raped by life

A boy left to writhe in pain

A boy found a tiny hole, in his prison

A boy took all his energy and found a way

A boy found his way out for a moment

A boy felt such hope and promise

A boy went on a journey

A boy found boys just like him

A boy came back with experiences

A boy experienced joy and happiness

A boy found truth to everything

A boy came back a man

A man with broadened awareness

A man ready for anything

A man who’s ready to begin

Freak Show Pretty Boys, An Original by Sam LeFleur

Freak show pretty boys

Walking down the street.

More secrets hidden,

Than people you will meet.

Self inflicted wounds

And burdens born of innocence.

Perfect outside

Flawed within

Let the destruction of innocence

And abandonment of identity

Begin 

Still Searching, An Original by Sam LeFleur

Somewhere,

Moon beams your face upon the world,

The winds whisper your name,

I once heard a bird,

Chirp so beautifully,

That I assumed it must be your name. 

The earth spins in tune

With the beat of your heart.

Time doesn’t stop,

Cells don’t halt their division,

And whoever you are,

Your eyes never stop smiling.

You will be the one,

With the song in your heart,

The smile on your face,

And your footsteps

Will bring the ground to life,

And help me dance alongside.

As of Yet Unfinished, An Original by Sam LeFleur

What have I done,

Oh, Heaven and Earth,

With Hell beneath my feet?

I can’t laugh,

I can’t cry,

I can’t find my soul,

I can’t even admit defeat.

My policy of love,

At long last forgotten,

I could never desire it more.

What transpires is thus,

I put up a fuss,

And forget what’s really important.

I’m alive and well,

A few to catch me if I fell,

A handful of personified love.

My family and friends,

A mate somewhere out there,

This is not quite just the end.

Person of Interest, An Original by Sam LeFleur

I mean it when I say

I want to be there for you

A friend, a brother, a comrade

Every word you want to say

I will match with none

Because you are the one

That got me through some

Rainy days

Days without the sun’s rays

Times when I felt estranged

And even sometimes when I felt deranged

You’re sweet and kind

You don’t deserve this pain

Talk to me like we used to

Yell at me if you want

Move your fingers

Or just open your mouth

Let’s grab a beer

Shed some fear

My ears

Are ready and willing

Steps Going Nowhere An Original by Sam LeFleur

Going for a walk

But running instead

The flight of the fearful

The plight of the heart

Versus the head

I can’t return for lack of love

I can’t go on for fear of everything else

Froze in place, nowhere to go

Not even the ground, falling from beneath my feet

Will help me move from here

Forward or back,

West or east,

Where is my next step?

Where can I find enough love,

To slay the brooding beast?

Do I look for another’s heart,

Without first being able to find my own?

Or does he hold it,

Waiting for me,

To find him, and return.

Hopeless An Original by Sam LeFleur

Your prayers mean nothing, of hope and love.

You cant disguise a crow as a dove

Your so called gift from heaven above?

It never existed.

You squandered your wealth

With greedy stealth

And all you’re left with?

Yourself.

Distress

Duress

Future-

Less.

Give it up and let it go

Time to take this with the flow.

The Runaway, An Original by Sam LeFleur

The runaway runs.

Where is he running or why?

Who does he flee this night?

His heart

His love

Or his lack there of?

Tonight he gets up to leave,

Puts on his coat, and heads for the door.

His heart and soul, lonely and sore.

Goodbye to the nameless neighbors,

Goodbye feral cats.

Goodbye to the sassafras trees.

Hello to his path,

Hello to the world, but alone.

Hello to the end,

At the bend of the road,

You won’t even hear him leave…

A Prayer for the Lonely An Original by Sam LeFleur

God...
Yahweh...
Allah...
Siddartha...
Someone...
Please grant me the serenity....
To accept the things I cannot change
To mold my life the ways I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

To laugh when I want to cry
To be able to cry from laughing
To fear only the proven
And to fight the unexplained

To put my pen to paper
And let my soul flow free
To show my feelings and weaknesses
And still believe I'm whole

To wake up every morning
And be the best I can
To realize life isn't just a fling
To take it as my most precious thing

Unsentimental Elements An Original by Sam LeFleur

I wish the wind would stop

And the current to still.

I need a footing and I can’t place my feet

I can only weather so long

Before there is nothing but silt

Maybe a piece of me will break away

And sit on the shore

Safe from the winds and currents

That keep my happiness at bay

On that shore of pebbles

My footing strong

I just might hear, the words to my song.

Snap. Crackle. Pop. An Original by Sam LeFleur

Snap.
Crackle.
Pop.

Snap.
Kicks and punches land
Bones splinter and break

Crackle.
Gas spills and the odor burns the air
Match sparks and skin and hair sizzles

Pop.
Mouth opens and air escapes
Final gasp, broken sound, life slips away

Snap.
Crackle.
Pop.

Love It or Leave It

Last call rings, you’ve had two beers and are ready to go home, and fall into bed and have sweet dreams of anything and everything, so you get in your car, turn on the key, defrost your windows and head on home.  Uneventful, starless night takes you 5 minutes from home, the last stop light between you, a pair of sweat pants, and your bed.  The light turns green, and you crawl into the intersection only to be startled by a flash of lights, almost from heaven itself.

A few minutes, an hour, who knows how much time passes but you finally come to, still in your car, but somehow hanging from the driver side, looking down, only held in by the seat belt.  You look down the ground is sprinkled with a confetti of glass.  You can feel something happening, you just aren’t sure what, and know that it isn’t good.

The only thing you are able to get to is your phone, and even that is a stretch but you manage to grasp it in your numb fingertips and pull up the contacts.  If this was the last phone call you could ever make, who would it be to?  Considering the next five minutes of your life are your last, dial that phone to say goodbye…

I have a short list of people who I am sure would care when I passed.  My final phone call, if I am granted that luxury would certainly be to my mother.  She has always been the light of my life, and while not always supportive of who I am, has always loved the core of WHO I am.  Not everyone has that one person they could call.  I am thankful for having that one person. 

I know this post is sappy and disgustingly sentimental, but I have been trying to whittle out people in my life that I don’t value with complete devotion.  I have got to thinking about every single person that has touched my life somehow, and the truth is, if I wouldn’t think to call you to say goodbye, I am most likely not going to bother calling to say hello either.   There are people out there who I value as best friends, and who will always be there for me.  A couple people from high school, maybe a few from college and work, but lets face it, life is about quality, not quantity.  

Even though my facebook might beg to differ, I am not a friend glutton and will be making these changes to my life very soon.  I will no longer be prancing around, dancing on my tippy toes so as not to annoy, or push away someone.  I am my own person, love it, or leave it.  My life won’t go on forever, so I will live it how I please.  Thank you for boring yourself with my ramblings; this is something I’ve had to get off my chest for some time now.  May the reconstruction commence.

Thinking....Is Simply Not Enough....

There are a lot of us that live extraordinarily comfortable lives.  Some of us get no such luxury.  In our world we live with excess and security most of the time, especially if we have the best circumstances.  I have been lucky.  I grew up in a financially secure environment in predominantly white neighborhoods with little to no violence.  Not everyone is so lucky, especially if they are different.

Truthfully I have had a good life.  Lately I have been reading about a string of homophobic attacks that have maimed and scarred people.  Like the attacks on the men that resulted in them being set on fire for being gay right here in the United States.  I have also seen a video of a nameless man in an unknown African country, beat in the street and set on fire.  Events like this upset me, even make me cry.  It breaks my heart to see what another human being is capable of doing to another human being under the guise of morality and motivated by hate.  I just can’t help but think about it.  At times it keeps me up at night to see what the world is coming to. 

But thinking is not enough.  If you are reading this it is probably because you are one of my close friends, a follower of my twitter or Facebook pages, and know me personally.  Now take a moment to picture me being set on fire.  Picture me being repeatedly kicked and punched.  Listen as you hear my ribs break, my gasping for air, unable to even cry out for help.  Now picture doing nothing to stop it.  Stand there and watch as my body is being shattered.  Do you feel anything?  Truth is every victim of hate crimes has at least one friend or family member out there.   What do you think they feel when they visit him or her in the hospital after being beat within an inch of their lives? 

Sometimes I wish I could be beat within an inch of my life so I can truly feel what its like to feel pain.  All too often I think about how horrible my life is, how meaningless it is in the grand scheme of things, how badly it sucks.  I forget that it could be a whole lot worse.  Maybe being lynched would snap me out of my lethargy of self-loathing and give me something to believe and fight for. 

I think too much about these people and what they have gone through, but as I already said, thinking just isn’t enough.  It’s time to fight.

Untitled, An Original by Sam LeFleur

Sad desire from atop a weathered spire
wishes and dreams unfilled
the only company is a lonely echo
love and hope is killed
upon the spire top
only fear prevails
because anyone else
even in a world of rainbows and love
could crush it in a moment
and choke the beauty
even from a dove
above the pain and desperation

What's Next?, An Original by Sam LeFleur

Time to hide my pride and walk inside.
a prison with no windows
and nowhere to hide.
deliver me from hell,
deliver me from tears,
show me another side.
without my wildest fears.


What's a soul to do, 
that just can't find it's cue?
and spend the days wandering
and kicking the morning dew.
send me hope,
take my fear.
make me smile when I cried.

You've Been Poked by Fate....

So I am reviving my blog to discuss a topic that weighs very heavily on my mind.  That happens to be the POKE button on Facebook.  If you are on Facebook, it is already blatantly obvious that you need some sort of human connection.  I have one, and not only do I have very little impulse control, but I also have a touch of OCD along with a little bit of neediness, which combined is a very deadly combination. 

Now I delve into my predicament.  When you poke me, I can’t help but poke back, and it drives me nuts!  How does one get poked and not poke back I will never comprehend.  So when someone I shouldn’t be talking to, i.e. an ex or someone that never returns my texts, pokes me, I am driven to poke them back.  I think this is because of my need for attention and love.  Maybe it’s because I am single, and have been for so long that I need this attention.  “At least they are poking me.”  So where is the love, and why don’t I have any self-love?

I blame it on multiple things, first being Facebook itself.  It has gotten to the point where so much information is being sent about a single person, and multiply that by the amount of friends you have and there you go, TMI!  Yes, I agree, I am blaming my own short comings on a website that has redefined human interaction as we know it.  But I think society in general is to blame.  We all have an unspoken list of rules that we all follow, and the poke button, doesn’t apply to any of that.  It can mean ANYTHING!  It can mean sex, thinking of you, playfulness, friendship, etc.  It is its own grey area, so it doesn’t apply to any of these rules.  It is okay to poke an ex, because it easily doesn’t have to mean anything, or it can mean everything.  Poke away at your college professors!  Because it could simply mean you are working on a paper or assignment.  Or poke your boss, because secretly you could be plotting their demise, but seems as though you are just being friendly. 

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this, I simply wanted to think through the poke button, and see what other people thought on the subject.  Sorry for the ramble, I hope I can post something more meaningful in the near future, as I would like to get more active with my blog.  Who knows, someday people might actually want to read my random thoughts?

Southern Decadence and Beyond

So for the longest time I have had goals for myself, which I haven't taken as seriously as I should.  I have lost 100 pounds and cut down on my smoking dramatically, but here's the thing, I could easily lose another 100 pounds and quit smoking completely.  Instead of waiting around for my life to fall into place is time for my place to come to life.  It might be easy to say "tomorrow" but it's even easier to say "next week" or "the new year" so here is the thing, from here on out I am going to do the following, start taking my weight loss seriously again, quit smoking gradually, and save up money for my own place.  I need to throw off that safety blanket and look around at the world to finally notice what is going on.  Here's to NOW.

Survival of the Survivors, An Original By Sam LeFleur

Everyday I wake up

Is a new gift

And everyday you don't

Is another

What I remember of you

Is your smile

And your new freedom within

Is freedom from your tears

Your joy remains

Your pain is over

Your love is remembered

Your faults are long forgotten

My survival

Is from my loss

My life

Is built on my memories of you

A Long Time Gone, A Lot of Wisdom Gained

So I know that I have been gone a while, but that is because I was trying to find my muse. I had nothing to say, but lately I’ve been inspired.

With Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’s demise, the topic of self-hating gays has been on my mind. You know, the type that are gay, but don’t feel like they have a right to flaunt who they are however they want to be. These are the ones that caused so many gay youths in the recent past to seek to end their lives. They make it okay to be ashamed of who you are.

I thought I wouldn’t post this update on my facebook. However I don’t give a damn. You might be okay with it, and you might not. DEAL WITH IT.

They say it’s okay to hide yourself, even from those you are most intimate with. Your family. Your friends. Your community. But I will hear no more of this. How are you supposed to concecrate your bonds with these people, if they think you are something you aren’t?

Therefore, damaging you more than them. This is something you have to deal with. The real question here is, how far are you willing to lie to yourself? If you’re queer, whatever, YOU’RE still here! Kick them out of your life! Kick them to the curb! But ultimately youre helping them be a stronger person for themselves! Someone really important to me lost their entire family, and had to forge a new one out of the ashes of his heart. This shouldn’t have to happen.

I want nothing more than to bring home the other half of my heart to my family. And sometimes, “it’s just a bad time,” really translates to, “I’m just too afraid.” Whoever starts a relationship with, “I only want to lie to you,” is not in a relationship at all. Honesty is an essential part of daily human interraction. How else will you truly forge a utopian, diverse society?

Well my normal thought turned into words and a soap box, but this is something dear to my heart. It is something I have struggled with, and it is something I have over come. Be proud of who you are, gay, straight, mortally disfigured. You are how god/bacteria formed you to be. We arent here from nothing, but who says it has to be a hateful and mighty invisible guy, in the sky?

Been Quiet For a While

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything, and for that I do apologize to my 0 readers. However I promise I will post something of substance very soon, I promise! I have had quite the journey over these past few months traveling and looking for love. If anything for once I can say that I am happy with my life overall. From time to time I have moments of weakness where I want nothing but to cry and let loose my pain, but I don't have much to complain about as my life is pretty good at the moment. I am getting better at telling myself that it gets better. I just have to persevere and find my niche in life, doing something that makes me truly happy. It seems I am taking a giant leap of faith by discarding my hold ups. It's time for me to take my life into my own hands and head straight into the future following my morals and convictions, and to those of you that are along for the ride, get ready for something great. I work in a coffee shop making very little money, but I am not suffocating behind a desk. I am in a good place to finally move forward. All Aboard!