A Long Time Gone, A Lot of Wisdom Gained

So I know that I have been gone a while, but that is because I was trying to find my muse. I had nothing to say, but lately I’ve been inspired.

With Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’s demise, the topic of self-hating gays has been on my mind. You know, the type that are gay, but don’t feel like they have a right to flaunt who they are however they want to be. These are the ones that caused so many gay youths in the recent past to seek to end their lives. They make it okay to be ashamed of who you are.

I thought I wouldn’t post this update on my facebook. However I don’t give a damn. You might be okay with it, and you might not. DEAL WITH IT.

They say it’s okay to hide yourself, even from those you are most intimate with. Your family. Your friends. Your community. But I will hear no more of this. How are you supposed to concecrate your bonds with these people, if they think you are something you aren’t?

Therefore, damaging you more than them. This is something you have to deal with. The real question here is, how far are you willing to lie to yourself? If you’re queer, whatever, YOU’RE still here! Kick them out of your life! Kick them to the curb! But ultimately youre helping them be a stronger person for themselves! Someone really important to me lost their entire family, and had to forge a new one out of the ashes of his heart. This shouldn’t have to happen.

I want nothing more than to bring home the other half of my heart to my family. And sometimes, “it’s just a bad time,” really translates to, “I’m just too afraid.” Whoever starts a relationship with, “I only want to lie to you,” is not in a relationship at all. Honesty is an essential part of daily human interraction. How else will you truly forge a utopian, diverse society?

Well my normal thought turned into words and a soap box, but this is something dear to my heart. It is something I have struggled with, and it is something I have over come. Be proud of who you are, gay, straight, mortally disfigured. You are how god/bacteria formed you to be. We arent here from nothing, but who says it has to be a hateful and mighty invisible guy, in the sky?

Been Quiet For a While

I know it has been a while since I have posted anything, and for that I do apologize to my 0 readers. However I promise I will post something of substance very soon, I promise! I have had quite the journey over these past few months traveling and looking for love. If anything for once I can say that I am happy with my life overall. From time to time I have moments of weakness where I want nothing but to cry and let loose my pain, but I don't have much to complain about as my life is pretty good at the moment. I am getting better at telling myself that it gets better. I just have to persevere and find my niche in life, doing something that makes me truly happy. It seems I am taking a giant leap of faith by discarding my hold ups. It's time for me to take my life into my own hands and head straight into the future following my morals and convictions, and to those of you that are along for the ride, get ready for something great. I work in a coffee shop making very little money, but I am not suffocating behind a desk. I am in a good place to finally move forward. All Aboard!

Reaching For Something, An Original By Sam LeFleur

They think I'm crazy
For reaching for the stars.
My arms aren't long,
And I'm not very tall,
But still I reach
For the secrets they hold
And questions they answer.
They still think I've lost it
They just don't realize,
They are the stars
For which I reach.

Easy Come, Easy Go

So I was sleeping, enjoying a dream in which my mind was active, when I came across a concept that would be a good topic to blog about. Sometimes, believe it or not, I have nothing to say, so when I come across an interesting thought, I write it down so that I can blog about it. Well being in the middle of a dream, I was hardly able to write it down, and it has not escaped my thoughts.

Instead I think I'm going to give my two cents on dreams. This dream in particular last night was, from what I can remember, pretty typical. I can often be in a dream and realize that it is actually a dream. There are multiple camps of thought that sees this as a psychic ability, but I believe there is nothing psychic about it. So often I sit back and enjoy it, sometimes I take control and bend my dreamland universe at my command.

What makes me curious, is what is so different about dreams that make me able to bend my reality there, that I can't do in my own life. Its the fact that in my dreams, I can discard all of my social inhibitions. Often, the things I do in my dreams are wild and sometimes innappropriate, that when compared to my already wild an innappropriate life, make me look like a saint. However the concept is still there. It all runs back to confidence. To live my dreams, so to speak, the first step I must take is to have more confidence in myself as a person. Its all about taking control of my life, and not just sitting back, watching it run by me.

New Mornings and New Beginnings

Okay, so I am a huge fan of procrastination. This impedes on the fact that I have wanted to set my life in a new direction. Every night, after work, before I go to bed I tell myself that tomorrow will be a different day. Tomorrow I will have the big day, NO SMOKING. Or, tomorrow I will do this or do that. Well the sad fact is that there isn't always a tomorrow for everyone.

Sometimes we just have to "grab the bull by the horns" and take on life. For some of us it means stepping out of our shells and going forth with confidence. Instead of saying we will do something tomorrow, maybe we should say, "today is the day I will..." What will you do today?

Remember The Lotus, An Original by Sam LeFleur

The world is fragile
and things fall apart

Good things come and and they go
breaking apart our heart

The hardest part is
holding your head above water

Lest we get sucked under
and become devil fodder

Just remember the Lotus
tall and proud

Sprung from its murky depths
and deep muddy shroud

You can give birth to the good
embrace and work through the bad

Don't get lost in this
cycle of life and go mad

Hold onto your beautiful soul
and cherish what is you

Just remember the Lotus as the golden rule
grow, swim, and break the surface of something new


**I used to write poetry quite often, but have gotten away from it. I wrote this just this morning in an attempt to rekindle the words I used to cherish so much. I can't decide if it is good, or utter shite, but it comes from my heart. It's about the story of the Lotus flower, from hindu tradition. A lotus grows from a seed deep under the mud and murky waters. It grows up out of the water and reaches above the surface and blooms during the day. It is said that the hindu gods and goddesses were born from a blooming lotus as well as the holy sound, "ohm". To me, this story means that even though the lotus seed is deep under the water, buried in mud, it still manages to rise up and bloom above the surface for everything to admire its beauty. Sometimes when we feel pain and suffering all around us, and feel as though we are drowning, we just need to remember the lotus. We can work through the pain, which is our mud and murky water, to rise above it all and show everyone our true colors. I wrote this in honor of earth week. I have always appreciated the lotus, and I think that out of all the plants on this Earth, we can learn to live and thrive, just as they do.

Stress Relief and Idle Thoughts

So today, I woke up and went about my day. Beautiful right? I find it extremely awesome that with all the pain and suffering in the world today that I can wake up and try to find one instance of happiness within myself and feed on that. During my half hour to twenty minute drive to work, I encounter everything on the spectrum of moods. I see nervous people, mean people, distracted people and on a very rare instance happy people.

So why am I so happy today? No, I didn't find a job with a living wage, and I don't have the day off from work. I am happy because of the weather, and I don't mean the buckets of sunshine that Pittsburgh almost never gets. I got to enjoy, a short lived but very emotional thunderstorm. Yes, you read right, I love thunderstorms, and this one in particular was extremely satisfying.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling this buildup of tension within myself, and the past couple days I have felt myself get closer and closer to my snapping point. Today however, I was rescued from a few days of laying in my room and watching sad movies just to cry. just around 3pm I heard the wind start to build and become more and more aggressive. Soon followed the rain and a few claps of thunder. Then from my window, I watched as a single bolt of lightning flies up into the sky, right across my vantage point. Through the winds and the rain I felt the tension drain from my body and just as that single bolt of lighting reached across the sky I felt the last of my troubles shatter.

I know for a fact I am not the only person drawn to violent thunderstorms or extreme weather. I by no means am a storm chaser, but there are plenty that are. I, like a lot of my friends are simply drawn to the release of a good storm. I believe this is because we, just like all other living creatures, are hard wired with instincts that tie directly into the earth. We can feel the storm on a subconscious level and find solace in the extreme nature of the entire act.

So you may ask, why do we destroy the earth if we are so wired into its patterns? Well I believe that we put so much time and energy into the seperation of ourselves from the rest of the creatures roaming this earth that we have fallen away from out instinctual desire to experience what is known as "the wild," and we keep working to dominate our environment. Everything from deforestation to weeding our gardens gives us the pleasure to say that we have dominated nature, but as I opened the door to let in my cat just before the storm, she brought with her a dead vole. It was a present to us. She, being a part of nature, wanted to give us the best present she could find, and that showed me that no matter how much we control nature and our environment, the circle of life is still shown to us in everyday life. Just as a spider finds a perfect corner to weave his web in our very own homes, we should realize that these creatures have adapted their ways to fit our actions, being that we are the focus of this circle of life for the time being. Cats bring presents to please their masters, spiders weave webs to feed themselves, and voles die to a predator on the hunt for the perfect morsel and somehow, it all ties back into us.

Sorry if you don't follow this post very easily, these are just the idle thoughts of mine as I prepare to leave once again for work.

Our Universe and Its Vast Possibilities

One of my many guilty pleasures as of late has been the Discovery Channel program, Life, by the same people that made Planet Earth. I never got to see Planet Earth, but I hope to in the near future.

Living in a suburban community just outside of Pittsburgh doesn't allow me to see much of the wonders of the world. I used to lay in the grass and stare at the sky. In that sky are the vast possibilities of the universe. There is nothing like staring up at the sky and wondering just how many of the stars have their own galaxies, that support life or something we can't possibly concieve. The constellations are just the surface of the vast possibilities of the night sky. While it might seem blank and boring, I think about it as staring into history. In astronomy it is taught that a star could have met the end of its life, without our knowing because of the speed of light and the distance it must travel. Not only are we staring at the ghosts of the universe, we are also looking at stars that have been around long before our start on this planet. While those same stars were burning bright, our beautiful planet was simply dust floating around the cosmos. Then because of a convenient set of events Mother Earth was formed and filled with all the proper materials for life soup. In a blink of time compared to the life of stars, the Earth became populated by creatures coverd in strange cloth and walking on two feet, driving large vehicles, and building buildings that scrape the sky. It's simply amazing to think about. People use the phrase, "if these walls could talk," but what I am truely astounded by is the thought, if the stars could talk...

And the stars surrounding us isn't just the only wonder to behold. Much of the surface of the Earth is covered in deep water. The mysteries of the deep are quite possibly just as baffling as the mysteries of the sky. What lies at the lowest point of the earth? Is it completely barren and unpopulated, or is it quite the opposite and filled with a plethora of unknown creatures and organisms, the likes of which we could only imagine? and look at the whales. There is such a variety of them that they range in all sizes, shapes and colors. They are the human race of the ocean. They dominate their territories and are capable of many things. The Humpback Whale has such a complex mating ritual that Life just recently caught on tape most of the whole process, including the long and strenuous Heat Run. They only missed the whale fornication, that took place too deep for them to travel, and it has never been witnessed. Whales might not be as technologically advanced as us but they undeniably have intelligence and wisdom that rivals that of our own. Shamu will never "tweet" but he will cover more of this Earth on his very own than any one person could ever hope to.

And on Earth there lies even deeper mysteries. If you study the Evolution theory of Darwin, the basis of it relies on the fact of the "tree of life". At the trunk of this tree is the organism from which all life has evolved. and following the branches outward you will find the creature that we know today. Like a real tree, this "tree of life" is always growing with branches that reach out further and further, and evolution will continue until the tree dies, and with it, all of life. Walking the face of the Earth are creatures large and small. From grasshoppers, to bacteria, to human life, we all share a common ancestor, and share the earth.

It's amazing the shear volume of our world. Large burning balls of gas and rock surround us, some too far away to be seen at real time, and one that sustains our very existance. Compared to the sun, the Earth pales in comparison. Soon, through observing Whales and other large beasts, and the creations of man, to the very molecules of bacteria, it becomes apparent that our existance, and the existance of this planet means nothing. Without Earth or the Milkyway Galaxy the universe would suffer litte. So for now we have to appreciate the small slice of existance that we can embrace and comprehend. We are surrounded by beautiful creatures both large and small, each with a mystery of their own. We are but a blink on the timeline of everything, and even though we might cease to exist, there will be more to behold. After us might come another race of humanoid creatures, if they don't already exist. Or maybe planets will develop a consciousness. Barnacles attach to whales and other large sea creatures, who's to say that a living organism can't orbit through the cosmos suststained by photosynthesis and minerals from space debris and sustain its very own ecosystem. Afterall, we are but a barnacle on the belly of a whale.

For Once the Truth Will Prevail

So first I want to thank everyone for their support. Before I wrote my last post about someday wanting a family, I was under the assumption that this blog had little to no visitors. Like most things I think I know about, I was very wrong. It's really great to have support from people you don't necessarily think to ask. I will never give up my dreams to become a father, and to be a part of my own family. I really feel like I am not ready for such a huge step in my life. Before I take on such an endeavor I obviously want to live in a place of my own and be fairly financially stable. There is no point in trying to build a better home for a child in need when you can't afford to eat yourself, although I assume there are oranizations in place to prevent that. Ideally I would also want to be in a committed relationship. I don't know if that is in my near future if at all, however if it is in the cards I am more than ready. Now onto the truth of this post.

I have approached a fork in the road. For once, I have a summer with too much to do. So here is the big question, do I take a luxurious and relaxing vacation to the dominican republic? Or do I stand up for my rights in this crucial time for gay rights and attend Pittsburgh Pridefest 2010? A vacation would be wonderful. I have been telling myself for the longest time that I need a vacation, but on the other hand, Pridefest is the one time a year that I feel okay with who I am and enjoy being around people just like me. As of this moment no plans are in place, so hopefully I can manage to do both, but this isn't the perfect world. So now I'm going to lay out my reasons for each and hoping the truth will come from the brainstorming.

The Dominican Republic is a foreign country. It's another stamp on my passport, and a great opportunity to help me see the world. My major hangup with this trip is the fact that flying for overweight people isn't just uncomfortable, it's dehumanizing. Look at the situation with Kevin Smith. An overweight gentleman that responsibly booked two seats on a flight was removed from a flight because the AIRLINE overbooked the flight. My opinion is that he lost both of his seats because the airline saw it as a situation where they could seat two people and make two people happy, while only losing the business of one person, and only having to apologize to one person. I don't want a situation like this to throw a huge wrench into the family vacation my mom is looking forward to. This is on top of the fact that I have little desire to go on a carribean vacation. We will be going to an all inclusive resort which means that we get to drink and relax all we want, but as far as the culture? I doubt very much we will get to see any of the real Dominican Republic besides the watered-down version served up for tourists.

Pridefest is really important to me. As I already said, it is the one time of the year that I get to be proud of being a homosexual. The mentality of pridefest is just that, pride. Unlike my everyday life there is no assumption of heterosexuality, simply acceptance for existance in general. When I am there, I feel like I take a small piece of everyone there home with me. I have also made some plans for this year. A group of friends and I will not only have a hotel room to crash in after pride in the streets and lots of drinking, but I will have many friends at pride this year. I'm not going into details but lets just say pridefest will be one of the best yet for me so far, and that is something I don't want to miss, look back on later and regret missing the time of my life.

As of now I am leaning towards passing on the Dominican Republic vacation. Everyone thinks I am crazy, however I'm not quite sure that anyone understands how important Pridefest is to me. Well I have officially drank an entire bottle of wine during writing this entry, and I have to evacuate my bladder. I pray I won't regret the decision I make, whatever I decide.

Ciao.

Epiphanic Dreams

I want to take a moment to get away from the my battle with quitting smoking to talk about something that you wont hear me admit very often. For the past couple of weeks I have been having a recurring dream, and I'm not quite sure what sort of message I am supposed to take from it, but one thing is true, I want to be a father.

They have been some of the happiest dreams I've had in a while. They are always the same but not. In each dream, I have a young son, and in each dream we are always doing the normal things a father and son would do. Playing and laughing, happiness had by all. Amongst my son's laughs and giggles I hear him say my name "Doey!" because as he hasn't been speaking long, can pronounce every letter correctly. It's always just me and him, in each of my dreams, without a fear in the world, enjoying every moment as it comes.

There is nothing more I want in the world than to have a son, maybe except to be able to ensure his safety and happiness. Which is why I feel like I never can have a son of my own. I would give anything for the chance to adopt a child and give him a home, or even to have one of my own by some process, but will I be able to keep him from having a hard life? Whether I have a partner or not, regardless, hes going to have a gay father, if not two. I don't want him to have to deal with hardships like the torment he could take from others for who his father is, but I also wouldn't want him to have to lie to his friends or never be able to bring anyone around.

I might be wrong, as acceptance is growing and life is becoming easier for people who are different, but time will only tell. I can't help but long for a child of my own. Boy or girl, my child will be loved and always have someone around.

It's All a Process

So I haven't been quite able to kick the habit just yet. I have been allowing myself a cigarette in the morning when I wake up, and one at night before I go to bed. Occasionally I will allow myself a cigarette during the day. I know this sounds like a major copout, but what I will do is light a cigarette, take a few puffs, and put it out. I will then smoke a bit of that cigarette throughout the day. Hopefully soon I will be able to completely cut out that middle cigarette and cut down to one cigarette a day, half in the morning and at night.

Anyhow, I just wanted to do a quick update on my progress towards becoming an ex, I don't have anything insightful to post so I was going to post a poem, but I can't. They are gone. C'est la vie! Mon dieu!

The Dreaded TOMORROW!

I am writing this blog entry, enjoying one of my last cigarettes ever. Tomorrow is the day that I quit smoking, completely. I can only hope it goes well. Tonight I will clean up my ashtrays, put away my lighters and other stuff that reminds me of smoking, as well as post small reminders around my room about why I decided to quit in the first place. I know I'm going to miss a lot of things about smoking, but I have to remind myself that I am doing this for the better.

I will miss when I'm out with friends just relaxing and smoking. Most of all I'm going to miss that moment, mid-conversation, where we both reach for our packs and unsheath our lighters to mutually enjoy the flavor of a perfectly packed cigarette. It always seems like a pack of cigarettes makes the coversations last longer and delve deeper. There is something about a cigarette that offers some sort of connection between two people. It might be the social stigma that goes along with smoking. At that moment you pull that square box out of your pocket, you both realize that you are equals, neither better than the other. Your common vice has you hooked and weakened to the point of needing it on a daily basis. Both of you are connected to each other through the inhalation of the lucious flavorful smoke as it travels to your lungs and is absorbed into your bloodstream and offeres you a deeper relaxation as it hits your brain. As the recepters accept the nicotine, you feel a euphoria that allows you to let your guard down. Just like a fear of public speaking is abated by picturing the audience naked and vulnerable, the guards set by personal interraction are dissolved with the mutual satisfaction brought on by nicotine. Have you ever noticed how a smoker and non-smoker interract? there is always that rift between the two of you. The smoker focuses on not getting smoke or ashes on their companion as the non-smoker is distracted by the burn of the cherry and the sexiness, or disgustingness, of the other person's habits. This keeps the conversation guarded and aloof.

Tomorrow morning, when I wake up, I will wake up an Ex. No longer can I enjoy the safety of a smoke. On my nightstand I don't have a pack of cigarettes, but a pack of gum and a nicotine patch. Wish me luck!

There is No Right or Wrong, There's Just the Consequences of Your Actions

The title of this blog is another quote from the mouth of the prematurely wise mouth of the daughter of Hank Moody from Californication. This ties into a show I am currently watching, True Blood. Season two focuses on the hijinks of a Maenad, which acts as a ward of the god Dionysis to call him forth and devour him or her. Well this maenad also brings on a mass hypnosis of the town of Bon Temps and causes them to act on their every desire. The entire town is thrown into a state of chaos because everyone is doing exactly as they desire and not paying attention to the consequences.

This gives me a lot to think about, especially just days away from giving up a nine year old bad habit. I started smoking to look cool and fit in. I thought this would make me happy, to be liked and included. Then when things in my life took a turn for the crazy freshman year in college, I started smoking like a chimney to relieve stress and soon became addicted. In those four years of smoking, while I might have enjoyed it, I have done twice the amount of damage to my body and my mind. Addictions are a lot like energy, it can not be destroyed, only transfered. When you give up one addiction, it must be replaced with another. I am hoping that my new addiction is blogging. I could choose a worse addicton right?

Like I have said before, this will help me use the law of attraction. This is a way for my positive energy to be vocalized, therefore allowing for it to better be used or my own betterment. Even if this is just a way for me to set goals for myself, I hope that it turns into a tool for my positive reinforcement, like a journal, only this way, you are all invited to enjoy an insight to my mind.

There is No Always, Just Right Now

Lately I have been enjoying the company of the HBO Original television series Californication. My favorite character is Hank's punky goth daughter with a lot to say! The title of this entry is just one of those phrases that just made my jaw drop to the floor.

In the context of the show, she is commenting on her life involving her parents. In the series there is a lot of back and forth in her parents' relationship. This seems to be true to real life as well. I like to wake up every morning, not dreading the day to come, but thinking about how I can change what will come my way. While I am not exactly satisfied with my career right now, I simply remind myself that my employment as a barista at Starbucks Coffee is only temporary. This not only gives me a "light at the end of the tunnel" but it also helps me appreciate the different confrontations I might have throughout the day. I appreciate the interractions I have with our regular customers. I also take this opportunity to interract with the children that come through our store. If there is one thing you might know about me is that I don't inerract with children very well. I consider myself to be more of an NC-17 individual with the humor to match, but the more I talk and communicate with these children I find myself making them smile instead of making the cower behind their parent. It also helps me to deal with people I don't like better. I know that just because they walked into my store, doesn't mean I have to be friends with them. I simply have to take their order and their money, thank them, and send them on their way.

The truth is, I feel like this state of mind will help me through my journey through life. When I quit smoking, I might become irritable and brash, but I know my shrewd state of mind won't last forever as I become an ex-smoker. It helps me deal with the fact of my overall health because if I set my mind to it, I won't be overweight forever, I just have to accept myself for who I am, until I am truely able to be happy with myself.

Funny Coincidence!

You might have noticed the title of my blog is Menthol & Alcohol. A small part of me is a chain smoker. Just today I made a pact with a co-worker of mine to quit smoking. The crazy thing about this is that I enjoy smoking, hence why I light one up as often as possible. So why am I quitting you might ask? I'm absolutely tired of the way people react to me enjoying one of the few things in my life that make me happy. The aroma that comes from my clothes is not the cologne that I wear or the new pomegranate and green tea body wash recently procured on clearance at Target. I also however, worry about my health. I am an extremely obese individual who has battled with an unhealthy BMI for my entire life. With a few changes in my lifestyle I have been able to drop some weight and now fit into a pair of pants I havent been able to wear for over a year now. I just see quitting my smoking habit as one more step in a complete life altering improvement. It will be very nice to not have to quickly puff down a tube of poison filled tobacco, with a delicious taste and burn, on my breaks from work. No more huddling outside in the cold while people look at me like I have lost my marbles.

Many unsuccessful attempts have left me less that confident in my ability to "kick the habit." However I feel like this time I have the positive energy of the universe in my favor. My addiction to fast food is gone, and my sleep cycles are back to a semi-normal balance, except for mild insomnia. The other times I have attempted to quit my body was under extra stress from school and lack of sleep. It's about time I find the strength to better my life, so that I can someday own that beautiful house on the beach of which I dream. Wish me luck, send me your positive energy and intentions, and pray for any poor fuck that might cross me during my first week of an ex-smoker. Sunday is the day that my lungs and body will thank me.

Here is to the future...

The truth is, I'm not quite sure what this life has to offer me, except for insomia and the occasional perfect cigarette. My dream is to one day, move to a place where the sun shines everyday, whether or not I'm off to work or enjoying a long day off. I want a beautiful house where the energy flows through the rooms in perfect harmony with the breaking of the morning and the setting of the sun. A patio, preferably stone, that over-looks a sandy beach with a relaxing wooden recliner facing the ocean and all of the possibilities it has to offer. Over this patio I want the perfect balance of ambiance from the moon and whatever slow moving, perfectly-composed ballad plays. I want a lot of things, being treated like a peon for society is not one of them. I want to be both respected and loved. With both brains and beauty I will look at the world as possibilities, not annoyances. For now, I have this blog. I have given in to every facebook and myspace page available. I tweet, to what seems like nobody. Here I will pour out my thoughts and dreams in the hopes that someday, someone will read them and think about my qualities, not my downfalls. Welcome to the chronicles of Menthol & Alcohol. Addicts and straight-edge are both welcomed. People who love me, I thank you for your support, and for those who hate me, fuck you, and fuck your pretty little dog too!