I want to take a moment to get away from the my battle with quitting smoking to talk about something that you wont hear me admit very often. For the past couple of weeks I have been having a recurring dream, and I'm not quite sure what sort of message I am supposed to take from it, but one thing is true, I want to be a father.
They have been some of the happiest dreams I've had in a while. They are always the same but not. In each dream, I have a young son, and in each dream we are always doing the normal things a father and son would do. Playing and laughing, happiness had by all. Amongst my son's laughs and giggles I hear him say my name "Doey!" because as he hasn't been speaking long, can pronounce every letter correctly. It's always just me and him, in each of my dreams, without a fear in the world, enjoying every moment as it comes.
There is nothing more I want in the world than to have a son, maybe except to be able to ensure his safety and happiness. Which is why I feel like I never can have a son of my own. I would give anything for the chance to adopt a child and give him a home, or even to have one of my own by some process, but will I be able to keep him from having a hard life? Whether I have a partner or not, regardless, hes going to have a gay father, if not two. I don't want him to have to deal with hardships like the torment he could take from others for who his father is, but I also wouldn't want him to have to lie to his friends or never be able to bring anyone around.
I might be wrong, as acceptance is growing and life is becoming easier for people who are different, but time will only tell. I can't help but long for a child of my own. Boy or girl, my child will be loved and always have someone around.
24 February 2010
11 February 2010
It's All a Process
So I haven't been quite able to kick the habit just yet. I have been allowing myself a cigarette in the morning when I wake up, and one at night before I go to bed. Occasionally I will allow myself a cigarette during the day. I know this sounds like a major copout, but what I will do is light a cigarette, take a few puffs, and put it out. I will then smoke a bit of that cigarette throughout the day. Hopefully soon I will be able to completely cut out that middle cigarette and cut down to one cigarette a day, half in the morning and at night.
Anyhow, I just wanted to do a quick update on my progress towards becoming an ex, I don't have anything insightful to post so I was going to post a poem, but I can't. They are gone. C'est la vie! Mon dieu!
Anyhow, I just wanted to do a quick update on my progress towards becoming an ex, I don't have anything insightful to post so I was going to post a poem, but I can't. They are gone. C'est la vie! Mon dieu!
06 February 2010
The Dreaded TOMORROW!
I am writing this blog entry, enjoying one of my last cigarettes ever. Tomorrow is the day that I quit smoking, completely. I can only hope it goes well. Tonight I will clean up my ashtrays, put away my lighters and other stuff that reminds me of smoking, as well as post small reminders around my room about why I decided to quit in the first place. I know I'm going to miss a lot of things about smoking, but I have to remind myself that I am doing this for the better.
I will miss when I'm out with friends just relaxing and smoking. Most of all I'm going to miss that moment, mid-conversation, where we both reach for our packs and unsheath our lighters to mutually enjoy the flavor of a perfectly packed cigarette. It always seems like a pack of cigarettes makes the coversations last longer and delve deeper. There is something about a cigarette that offers some sort of connection between two people. It might be the social stigma that goes along with smoking. At that moment you pull that square box out of your pocket, you both realize that you are equals, neither better than the other. Your common vice has you hooked and weakened to the point of needing it on a daily basis. Both of you are connected to each other through the inhalation of the lucious flavorful smoke as it travels to your lungs and is absorbed into your bloodstream and offeres you a deeper relaxation as it hits your brain. As the recepters accept the nicotine, you feel a euphoria that allows you to let your guard down. Just like a fear of public speaking is abated by picturing the audience naked and vulnerable, the guards set by personal interraction are dissolved with the mutual satisfaction brought on by nicotine. Have you ever noticed how a smoker and non-smoker interract? there is always that rift between the two of you. The smoker focuses on not getting smoke or ashes on their companion as the non-smoker is distracted by the burn of the cherry and the sexiness, or disgustingness, of the other person's habits. This keeps the conversation guarded and aloof.
Tomorrow morning, when I wake up, I will wake up an Ex. No longer can I enjoy the safety of a smoke. On my nightstand I don't have a pack of cigarettes, but a pack of gum and a nicotine patch. Wish me luck!
I will miss when I'm out with friends just relaxing and smoking. Most of all I'm going to miss that moment, mid-conversation, where we both reach for our packs and unsheath our lighters to mutually enjoy the flavor of a perfectly packed cigarette. It always seems like a pack of cigarettes makes the coversations last longer and delve deeper. There is something about a cigarette that offers some sort of connection between two people. It might be the social stigma that goes along with smoking. At that moment you pull that square box out of your pocket, you both realize that you are equals, neither better than the other. Your common vice has you hooked and weakened to the point of needing it on a daily basis. Both of you are connected to each other through the inhalation of the lucious flavorful smoke as it travels to your lungs and is absorbed into your bloodstream and offeres you a deeper relaxation as it hits your brain. As the recepters accept the nicotine, you feel a euphoria that allows you to let your guard down. Just like a fear of public speaking is abated by picturing the audience naked and vulnerable, the guards set by personal interraction are dissolved with the mutual satisfaction brought on by nicotine. Have you ever noticed how a smoker and non-smoker interract? there is always that rift between the two of you. The smoker focuses on not getting smoke or ashes on their companion as the non-smoker is distracted by the burn of the cherry and the sexiness, or disgustingness, of the other person's habits. This keeps the conversation guarded and aloof.
Tomorrow morning, when I wake up, I will wake up an Ex. No longer can I enjoy the safety of a smoke. On my nightstand I don't have a pack of cigarettes, but a pack of gum and a nicotine patch. Wish me luck!
05 February 2010
There is No Right or Wrong, There's Just the Consequences of Your Actions
The title of this blog is another quote from the mouth of the prematurely wise mouth of the daughter of Hank Moody from Californication. This ties into a show I am currently watching, True Blood. Season two focuses on the hijinks of a Maenad, which acts as a ward of the god Dionysis to call him forth and devour him or her. Well this maenad also brings on a mass hypnosis of the town of Bon Temps and causes them to act on their every desire. The entire town is thrown into a state of chaos because everyone is doing exactly as they desire and not paying attention to the consequences.
This gives me a lot to think about, especially just days away from giving up a nine year old bad habit. I started smoking to look cool and fit in. I thought this would make me happy, to be liked and included. Then when things in my life took a turn for the crazy freshman year in college, I started smoking like a chimney to relieve stress and soon became addicted. In those four years of smoking, while I might have enjoyed it, I have done twice the amount of damage to my body and my mind. Addictions are a lot like energy, it can not be destroyed, only transfered. When you give up one addiction, it must be replaced with another. I am hoping that my new addiction is blogging. I could choose a worse addicton right?
Like I have said before, this will help me use the law of attraction. This is a way for my positive energy to be vocalized, therefore allowing for it to better be used or my own betterment. Even if this is just a way for me to set goals for myself, I hope that it turns into a tool for my positive reinforcement, like a journal, only this way, you are all invited to enjoy an insight to my mind.
This gives me a lot to think about, especially just days away from giving up a nine year old bad habit. I started smoking to look cool and fit in. I thought this would make me happy, to be liked and included. Then when things in my life took a turn for the crazy freshman year in college, I started smoking like a chimney to relieve stress and soon became addicted. In those four years of smoking, while I might have enjoyed it, I have done twice the amount of damage to my body and my mind. Addictions are a lot like energy, it can not be destroyed, only transfered. When you give up one addiction, it must be replaced with another. I am hoping that my new addiction is blogging. I could choose a worse addicton right?
Like I have said before, this will help me use the law of attraction. This is a way for my positive energy to be vocalized, therefore allowing for it to better be used or my own betterment. Even if this is just a way for me to set goals for myself, I hope that it turns into a tool for my positive reinforcement, like a journal, only this way, you are all invited to enjoy an insight to my mind.
02 February 2010
There is No Always, Just Right Now
Lately I have been enjoying the company of the HBO Original television series Californication. My favorite character is Hank's punky goth daughter with a lot to say! The title of this entry is just one of those phrases that just made my jaw drop to the floor.
In the context of the show, she is commenting on her life involving her parents. In the series there is a lot of back and forth in her parents' relationship. This seems to be true to real life as well. I like to wake up every morning, not dreading the day to come, but thinking about how I can change what will come my way. While I am not exactly satisfied with my career right now, I simply remind myself that my employment as a barista at Starbucks Coffee is only temporary. This not only gives me a "light at the end of the tunnel" but it also helps me appreciate the different confrontations I might have throughout the day. I appreciate the interractions I have with our regular customers. I also take this opportunity to interract with the children that come through our store. If there is one thing you might know about me is that I don't inerract with children very well. I consider myself to be more of an NC-17 individual with the humor to match, but the more I talk and communicate with these children I find myself making them smile instead of making the cower behind their parent. It also helps me to deal with people I don't like better. I know that just because they walked into my store, doesn't mean I have to be friends with them. I simply have to take their order and their money, thank them, and send them on their way.
The truth is, I feel like this state of mind will help me through my journey through life. When I quit smoking, I might become irritable and brash, but I know my shrewd state of mind won't last forever as I become an ex-smoker. It helps me deal with the fact of my overall health because if I set my mind to it, I won't be overweight forever, I just have to accept myself for who I am, until I am truely able to be happy with myself.
In the context of the show, she is commenting on her life involving her parents. In the series there is a lot of back and forth in her parents' relationship. This seems to be true to real life as well. I like to wake up every morning, not dreading the day to come, but thinking about how I can change what will come my way. While I am not exactly satisfied with my career right now, I simply remind myself that my employment as a barista at Starbucks Coffee is only temporary. This not only gives me a "light at the end of the tunnel" but it also helps me appreciate the different confrontations I might have throughout the day. I appreciate the interractions I have with our regular customers. I also take this opportunity to interract with the children that come through our store. If there is one thing you might know about me is that I don't inerract with children very well. I consider myself to be more of an NC-17 individual with the humor to match, but the more I talk and communicate with these children I find myself making them smile instead of making the cower behind their parent. It also helps me to deal with people I don't like better. I know that just because they walked into my store, doesn't mean I have to be friends with them. I simply have to take their order and their money, thank them, and send them on their way.
The truth is, I feel like this state of mind will help me through my journey through life. When I quit smoking, I might become irritable and brash, but I know my shrewd state of mind won't last forever as I become an ex-smoker. It helps me deal with the fact of my overall health because if I set my mind to it, I won't be overweight forever, I just have to accept myself for who I am, until I am truely able to be happy with myself.
Funny Coincidence!
You might have noticed the title of my blog is Menthol & Alcohol. A small part of me is a chain smoker. Just today I made a pact with a co-worker of mine to quit smoking. The crazy thing about this is that I enjoy smoking, hence why I light one up as often as possible. So why am I quitting you might ask? I'm absolutely tired of the way people react to me enjoying one of the few things in my life that make me happy. The aroma that comes from my clothes is not the cologne that I wear or the new pomegranate and green tea body wash recently procured on clearance at Target. I also however, worry about my health. I am an extremely obese individual who has battled with an unhealthy BMI for my entire life. With a few changes in my lifestyle I have been able to drop some weight and now fit into a pair of pants I havent been able to wear for over a year now. I just see quitting my smoking habit as one more step in a complete life altering improvement. It will be very nice to not have to quickly puff down a tube of poison filled tobacco, with a delicious taste and burn, on my breaks from work. No more huddling outside in the cold while people look at me like I have lost my marbles.
Many unsuccessful attempts have left me less that confident in my ability to "kick the habit." However I feel like this time I have the positive energy of the universe in my favor. My addiction to fast food is gone, and my sleep cycles are back to a semi-normal balance, except for mild insomnia. The other times I have attempted to quit my body was under extra stress from school and lack of sleep. It's about time I find the strength to better my life, so that I can someday own that beautiful house on the beach of which I dream. Wish me luck, send me your positive energy and intentions, and pray for any poor fuck that might cross me during my first week of an ex-smoker. Sunday is the day that my lungs and body will thank me.
Many unsuccessful attempts have left me less that confident in my ability to "kick the habit." However I feel like this time I have the positive energy of the universe in my favor. My addiction to fast food is gone, and my sleep cycles are back to a semi-normal balance, except for mild insomnia. The other times I have attempted to quit my body was under extra stress from school and lack of sleep. It's about time I find the strength to better my life, so that I can someday own that beautiful house on the beach of which I dream. Wish me luck, send me your positive energy and intentions, and pray for any poor fuck that might cross me during my first week of an ex-smoker. Sunday is the day that my lungs and body will thank me.
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